Mom and Mark have decided that Mark will be most comfortable spending the time he has left as an inpatient in hospice. Mom spoke with the social worker at the hospital and she is making the arrangements. If all goes as planned, Mark will be staying at the Hospice of North Central Ohio in Ashland, Ohio and will be transported sometime tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then Saturday.
The doctors can't really predict how much time Mark has left but they said it could be anywhere between two weeks and two months before the cancer causes him to die, assuming he is still getting hydration. Otherwise, it will be less time. We don't know yet whether or not the hospice will even use the feeding tube, because it is considered a form of life support, so the prognosis may change once we talk with them.
I have to be honest and tell you what a change in Mark's spirit and appearance I have seen since he heard about the news of the cancer in his lungs and going to hospice. Even though hospice is what he wants, his face looks sad and defeated. And I, unfortunately, can't keep it together for him and just cry every time I look at him. I'm obviously not helping anything.
I know it must sound crazy for me to say this, after all that he has been through for the last six years, but I feel like this has all happened so fast. I talked to him on Friday and he sounded great. He was feeling good, eating well and so proud of himself for working a full week. I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever hear his voice. I'm just having a really hard time handling all of this information, to say the least. I start thinking about what life without Mark will feel like, and it's too sad of a life to think about.
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6 comments:
You guys have had such a hard week, but don't feel bad crying! It's okay to be emotional about this tough situation. You are a wonderful daughter to him and I know you've done everything in your power to help him.
Emily, I can't imagine how utterly devastated you must feel. I, myself, could not even read your full message without getting up and walking away 3 times, and can't stop the tears. I'm sending you a hug 'X'. Mark is so lucky to have you--there are many biological fathers who don't have the kind of relationship with their daughters that Mark has with you, and vice versa. Please know that we are sending our loving thoughts and prayers your way.
First of all you have no idea how many people are thinking and praying for you every minute. You have been so strong. You are such a good daughter and you'll have to now take a little time for you! Cry, get mad, be nasty, break things, do whatever you need to. It won't last long. You just need to take the time for you.
You always jump right back and there you are again. Take the time you need, whatever time you need. You have been through so so much these past weeks. Take the time and then you can again be there to do what you need to do. We love ya! Pat and all the Bruielly's
Emily I don't know you personally but you sound like a terrific (Daughter) If there is any way that I can visit Mark I would like to.
John badenhop
Em, I am sure that Hospice will use the feeding tube, it's pretty easy, I fed Dave that way for 6 mos., six cans of Boost or Ensure per day was his diet. They will certainly do the same. Even though I only met Mark once, I could tell he is a very special spirit, a man who loves life and embraces every moment and person he has. I too would feel the same utter sadness you're feeling. This is when you need to turn to your faith, though -- you WILL hear his voice again, when we're all in heaven together. You must know and believe this with all your heart! He gets to dance with the angels soon, and then we can all celebrate the special life he led. How blessed you have been to have such a special man as a step-dad... We love you!
Oh, but it's not a sad life! At least, it doesn't seem so to me. I know Mark only a little, from his times at our UU church. Yet even this little time has had a big impact on me.
I am so inspired by his spirit and his confidence. And your mom's. He and she have taught all of us so much by showing the way. I understand what you say about his feelings now. Yet because he has a strong spirit, I bet that spirit rallies. At least I hope so, because his spirit knows he's just beginning a new journey. All endings are also beginnings, and the one he's facing now is the biggest and most momentous of all.
I also want to thank you for this blog, so we could travel along with you vicariously. It has to take so much energy and devotion to keep up with it. We really appreciate it.
Joan
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