The thing about grief

The thing about grief is that it never really goes away. Even if it hasn't shown up in a really long time, it can sneak up on you and show up out of nowhere when you least expect it. It happened to me today.

My mom recently gave some of Mark's old shirts to Pat in case he would wear any of them. Some of them he kept, others he didn't. One of the shirts he kept was a t-shirt that Mark wore often.

If ever a shirt could summarize a person with only three words and a stick-figure drawing, this shirt is a perfect representation of Mark Yarman. The stick figure on this shirt is a man playing a guitar with a big grin on his face and the words "life is good." A perfect illustration of Mark's love for music and passion for life.

This morning, as I worked my way through a pile of laundry, this shirt appeared in the mix. Without even thinking about it, I instinctively lifted the shirt up to my nose and inhaled deeply. What happened next I didn't expect. The shirt still smelled like Mark.

After all of these years, I could still smell him on this shirt. It was the closest I have felt to him in the six years since he's been gone. The emotions I felt hit me like a ton of bricks and were completely overwhelming. It made me miss him so much.

It made me grieve for him just as hard as I did six years ago when we lost him. It made me want to bottle that smell up so I would never lose it. So I could smell it whenever I want to feel like he is still here.

It made me wish I could hug him one more time. It made me want to talk to him again. It made my heart ache so much that it completely consumed me. It made me cry. Hard. The uncontrollable "ugly cry" that comes from deep within. It made the lump in my throat reappear. The lump that I only get when I am very sad.

It made me wish he could have been a part of my kids' lives and made me want to tell them about him.

Today I was reminded that you are never really done grieving for someone. I realized today that grief is both a blessing and a curse. It is a painful sign of how deeply you still miss someone you lost and a warm reminder of how lucky you were to have had that person in your life.

Today I am remembering how lucky I was to have loved Mark and to have been loved by him. I am reminded of how much he taught me throughout his life, and also his death, about living life fully.

Today I was reminded that life is a precious gift that shouldn't be taken for granted. I was reminded how much I still miss Mark and that my grief hasn't gone away. And I am thankful it hasn't because when grief comes to visit, it brings more than just sadness. It also brings memories of love, happiness, and thankfulness.

Today I was reminded to be open to unexpected visits from grief and the lessons it brings with it.

And as I continue to smell this shirt and inhale deeply, I will also be exhaling gratefully.