Some days, it rains

I haven't written in Mark's blog since the day after his memorial service, on January 30. I also haven't watched the video tribute I made since that day, either. I have thought of doing both so many times but to be honest, I was afraid to unleash the pain. This isn't to say that I haven't been feeling pain, because I have.

I still think about Mark every single day. Most days, I still cry when I think about him. Some days, I still can't believe he's really gone. Other days, the reality of him being gone from my life forever is completely overwhelming. Some days I'm really sad, some days I'm happy for Mark and his life free of cancer and then other days, I feel a lot of anger for all that Mark went through and the fact that he wanted more than anything to live a long life and he was robbed of that.

I'm going to be 28 this summer and I've experienced more than my fair share of death in those 28 years. No, I'm not opening a pity party for myself. But you would think after losing a brother, a grandma, a grandpa, a great grandma and now a step-dad that I would be "good at grief." But each time I experience a death of someone close to me and feel this great amount of pain, I am only reminded of the fact that no death ever feels the same and that you never really know how you're supposed to act or handle the pain.

I can't tell you how many times over the last few months (today is exactly four months since the day Mark had his stroke), I have second-guessed how I was feeling and wondered if I was grieving normally or if I should be further along in the healing process than I actually am. I don't know the answer. I don't know if I should still cry as much as I do. I don't know if I should be to the point where seeing pictures of Mark or hearing stories about him make me laugh and smile instead of cry, but I'm not.

I don't know if avoiding writing about Mark, avoiding writing in this blog and avoiding watching Mark's video is normal or unhealthy, but today I had an urge to do both. I watched the video again and cried just as hard as I cried when I watched it at his memorial service. And in a strange way, it felt really good. It felt good to see the pictures of him, to be reminded of how much he lived life to the fullest. Don't get me wrong, when I watch the video it makes me extremely sad, too. It even brings out some jealousy and anger about how good he was with Max and the fact that my children will never get to experience that.

But more than the sadness, jealousy or anger I felt when watching the video, most of all, it felt really good. It felt really good to be reminded of why I miss him so much. He was such an amazing, special person and I feel so blessed that he was brought into my life.

Mark was special to all of us in some way. How are you doing with your grief? Have you watched the video since his memorial service? If not, I highly recommend it. It was really good therapy for me and hopefully it will be for you too. You can watch the video here.

I think one of the greatest ways in which we can pay tribute to Mark is by making sure we never forget him and to make sure each of us is living our life fully in his honor.